Here’s my Monday 49ers column. The full text runs below:
The 49ers lost to the (fill in opponent’s name) on Sunday by a score of (fill in score). It was the 49ers (fill in number) loss of the season and (fill in number) loss in a row.
The 49ers made a play for good luck by wearing their special black uniforms with red numerals that resemble (choose one: pajamas, Halloween costumes, prison garb).
The 49ers played (choose one: a heroic game, a gutsy little game, it-hardly-matters-how-they-played game because they lost).
Do you consider the 49ers loss (choose one: a very good loss, a moral victory, useless in the areas that really matter)?
Say if the following statement is true or false. Part of the reason the 49ers lost is they were assessed an unsightly 13 penalties for a total of 81 yards.
Say if the following statements are true or false:
On the opponent’s drive for its first touchdown, the 49ers defense was assessed five penalties, four in the end zone.
Torrey Smith was assessed a 15-yard penalty for being where he shouldn’t be and for blocking an official.
The 49ers once had 12 men in the huddle.
The opponent had two running backs named Johnson.
Answer: All of the above statements are true.
After the game, the Niners players blamed the loss on the officials (choose one: moderately, heatedly, until their faces turned blue).
Quarterback Blaine Gabbert, making a bid to become the 49ers starting signal caller next season, led his team to 13 points, slightly lower than the 49ers’ average of 13.9 points coming into the game. Gabbert’s performance (choose one: helped his chances a lot to be the real quarterback whenever the Niners become a real team, helped his chances moderately, didn’t help his chances one bit).
Until the very end, the game was so boring nine fans on the east side of the stadium (choose one: started a conga line, did the wave, committed suicide).
Many seats in Levi’s Stadium were empty because (choose one: 49ers season-ticket holders, the Faithful, the suckers) stayed home to (choose one: clean out their sock drawers, watch the Raiders beat the Titans on television, beat their heads against the wall).
First-year coach Jim Tomsula whose nickname is (choose one: the Butcher, the Beer Truck Driver from Cloverdale, Super Mario) came to the postgame interview room where he (choose one: said the team played well, looked at the public-relations guy several times for answers to media questions, sweated a lot).
Addressing the media in his usual (choose one: glib, suave, babbling) fashion, Tomsula led off with the injury report. He said, (choose one: “We have bumps and bruises and we’ll have more on that tomorrow.” “He’s got one of those things to his I’m not sure what.” “I’m not a doctor. I can’t answer that.”).
Tomsula who has (choose one: 100-percent chance, 50-percent chance, not a chance in hell) of being 49ers coach next season, said: (choose one: “Yes, I believe there’s progress.” “This week, I will say our team got better.” “I’ve got to take a look at that (the film).”
Note: He said all of the above.
Trying to find good stuff in the loss, Tomsula said, “What I see in the positive are the things that we emphasized in ourselves, in terms of defensively with the run fits and tackling and going after those things.”
Question: If you understand that quotation, what is wrong with you?
The mood in the postgame locker room was (choose one: sad, strangely detached, festive).
Answer true or false — Afterward, NaVorro Bowman said: “All sides of the ball gave what they needed to give. Today’s team, like coach was saying, is a team that’s going to win a lot of football games.”
Answer: True, but Bowman didn’t say how many years winning a lot of games will take.
Gabbert came to the interview room after Bowman. He immediately set a land-speed record for clichés. You must guess how long it took him to say this stuff: I’ve just got to find a way to get the ball out. It’s never fun when you’re on the losing side. We’ve just got to find a way to put more points on the board. I try and put my best foot forward day in and day out. I’m just taking it one game at a time.
According to my watch, he unloaded this wisdom in two minutes, 15 seconds.
After the game, (choose one: alleged, somewhat, are you kidding me) owner Jed York was observed in the locker room (choose one: on the floor in the fetal position, explaining pork futures to the richest players. He wasn’t observed because he never showed up).
Answer true or false — York told the media:
“I’m darned proud of the strides this team is making.”
“In my opinion, general manager Trent Baalke has done a bang-up job.”
“We lose with class.”
All of the above are false.
To sum up, please choose one statement which accurately describes your feelings about the 49ers: 1) The Niners get full credit for a good loss. 2) The Niners get partial credit for a good loss. 3) A loss is a loss, so who cares?
For more on the world of sports in general and the Bay Area in particular, go to the Cohn Zohn at cohn.blogs.pressdemocrat.com. You can reach Staff Columnist Lowell Cohn at firstname.lastname@example.org.