My son Grant (Iggy) is learning to write satire. He wrote this piece in good fun about Al Davis’ morality, particularly as it seems to apply to sexual relations between men and women. I hope you enjoy it. Here goes:
There’s Aristotle’s Ethics, and there’s Al Davis’ Ethics. I’m going with Uncle Al.
We thought Al had only one ethic: Just win, baby. But at Tuesday’s press conference for Hue Jackson, when Uncle Al eviscerated his previous head coach Tom Cable, we learned Davis’ ethical beliefs are complex and hierarchical. There may be offenses even worse than losing according to Al, and if our assumption is correct here they are, in order from bad to worse.
1. Hitting a woman is bad.
2. Getting the Raiders sued for hitting a woman is worse.
3. Bringing a woman on the road before a football game is unforgivable. In the words of Uncle Al, “One of the things revealed by Ms. Lutz was too much for me. And that was whether…(Cable) brought her on trips on the road when the team’s playing on the road. He’s the head coach, and this is the guy who’s talking about focus, we’ve got a job to do, we’ve a got a game to play, we’ve got to win, and they’re flying in friends so they can be with him the night before the game. All of this stuff goes a long way against my wishes, against my way of living, against my life and against the Raider way and I just wasn’t going to take it anymore.”
This is surely the Bay Area Sports Scene’s Quote of the Week, especially when you factor in the lore — who knows if it’s true? — of former Raiders players cavorting late at night in Santa Rosa during training camp. John Matuszak comes to mind.
Of course, Al brings his wife on the road; he said so after the press conference. But Hue’s not Al, so he never ever should bring his wife or a girlfriend on the road and hide her in his room. Even at home it’s probably a good idea to sleep in separate rooms just to be on the safe side.
Hue Jackson’s wife, Michelle, who sat in the front row for the press conference, had to be taking feverish notes on the Tao of Al. Surely she doesn’t want to surprise her husband at the team hotel and simultaneously soil Uncle Al’s way of life, life in general, and the Raider way.
I would like to expand the Tao of Al. For the Jacksons, the stakes are high and the rules are vague – they don’t want to end up like Tom Cable. So as a public service I’ll add one commandment to Uncle Al’s Ethics for Hue and Michelle. Please offer your own in the comment section.
Rule Four: Above all else make the playoffs. All other rules may be moot as long as you adhere to this Holy of Holies. Al’s morality appears to work on a sliding scale relative to the Raiders’ standing in the AFC West. You won’t have to hear about the Tao of Al as long as you’re committed to excellence. As soon as excellence eludes you, expect Al to write a New Testament of Raider morality, and plan on being a transgressor in some way.
Even a brain like Aristotle understood the importance of Rule Four. All those years ago, he titled his final chapter, “Just Win, Baby.” Uncle Al is a big fan of Aristotle.
